THIS ISSUE HAWAII FIVE-0 DECEMBER TO JANUARY TURN OF THE CENTURY
"turn your head and look away little boy, for nothing here will interest you
and there is no one home to play with, the world is dead inside your head "

TWAS DA NITE BEFO CHRISMIS AN ALL TRUE DA HOUZ NO ONE WAS AWAKE NOT EVEN DA MOWSE. ME IN MY HUNTIN JACKET AND MA IN HER
ROLLERS WE HAD JUST SETTLED DOWN TO BED WHEN SHE SAYS "I GOT A HEAD ACHE!" THE KIDS WERE IN THEIR ROOM LISTENIN' TO LOUD
MUSIC. THE DIRTY LAUNDRY WAS DUMPED IN FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE IN HOPES THAT ST. NICK WOULD WASH IT. WHEN OUT ON THE LAWN
THERE AROSE SUCH A CLATTER I KNEW IN A MINUTE IT WAS THOSE TERRIBLE NEIGHBORS KIDS BEATIN' ON MY NEWLY WASHED FORD GALAXIE
500. I SPANG FROM MY BED AND GRABBED MY BIG RIFLE AND SHOT THREE ROUNDS IN THE AIR SCREAMING "DASH AWAY, DASH AWAY, DASH AWAY
ALL!" THEY WERE ALL BLITZEN AND DECIDED FOR KICKS THEY WOULD CLIMB ON THE ROOF AND PLAY SOME TRICKS. THEN IN A TWINKIE I
HEARD ON THE ROOF, THE SCRAPING AND PICKING OF EACH STEEL TOED BOOT. THEY CAME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE AND
RAN THROUGH MY LIVING ROOM KNOCKING OVER THE TREE. THEIR EYES WERE ALL GLAZED, THEIR DIMPLES HAD PIMPLES. THEIR CHEEKS WERE
ALL FUNNY THEIR NOSES WERE RUNNY. WHEN THEY SAW MY RIPPED PAJAMAS THEY LAUGHED LIKE A BOWL FULL OF JELLY. THEY SHOUTED OUT
INSULTS AND WENT STRAIGHT TO THEIR WORK, DESTROYING EVERYTHING AND THEN TURNED WITH A JERK. I GRABBED THEM ALL BY THEIR
COLLARS AND PLACING THEIR FINGERS UP THEIR NOSE, KICKED THEM IN THEIR BUTTS AND UP THE CHIMNEY THEY ROSE. AND I HEARD THEM
EXCLAIM AS THEY RAN OUT OF SIGHT " HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND JUST WAIT UNTIL HALLOWEEN !!!!!"

T H I S
is what I got for christmas: A MILLION SWEATERS TO WIPE MY NOSE WITH, A BOOK ABOUT SLIME, A PICTURE OF LILY, A PIECE
OF STALE BREAD, TWELVE DRUMMERS ON STRIKE, A BOOK OF FIRE-PROOF MATCHES, A CANDLE OF WAX, A PICKLE PEELER, A POOL OF GLUE
TIED TO MY SHOE, A PACKAGE OF DUST, A MOVIE OF LUST, BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT NACHOS, SANTA CLAUS UNDERWEAR THAT FEELS LIKE
SANDPAPER, A PAIR OF SHOES WITH MAGNETS ON THE BOTTOM, A GOLF CLUB WITH AUTO REVERSE, TWO BOXES OF CANDIED YAMS, A PICTURE OF
MY BUST, A MEMBERSHIP TO WEIGHT LOSS THERAPY, A CHARLIE DANIELS MILK MUG, A COMPUTER WITH TOES, A PEN THAT WRITES BACKWARDS,
A TRASH COMPACT DISK, AN AUTOGRAPH FROM ZSA ZSA, A SUBSCRIPTION TO TAMMY FAY'S BOOK ABOUT JIM, TWO BARBIE DOLLS WITH ALTERNAT-
ING MENSTRAL CYCLES, AND A WIND UP MOTHER WITH A STRING THAT SAYS " WHOSE PAYING FOR THIS PHONE CALL !!!!!??? "

 

T H E L O N G A W A I T E D L E T T E R F R O M C R I S G A V A Z Z I

AS I SEE IT by CRIS GAVAZZI

THE PAIN OF A CAR DOOR...I THINK MOST PEOPLE SHOULD KEEP THEIR HEADS FROM BEING CAUGHT BETWEEN THE DOOR AND DOOR FRAME.
I THINK THER SHOULD BE A SIGN SAYING IT IS ILLEGAL TO SLAM PEOPLE'S HEADS IN CAR DOORS. LIKE REMOVING MATTRESS TAGS. THIS ALL
STEMS FROM HAVING MY HEAD SLAMMED IN A CAR DOOR TODAY; IN THE CHURCH PARKING LOT NO LESS.
THE CATS GOT DRESSED TODAY. FLEA COLLARS. NOW WE ALL HAVE FLEAS. PEOPLE THAT DON'T LIKE FLEAS GET FLEAS. BUT PEOPLE WHO
DON'T CARE DON'T GET THEM.
I THINK FEMALES HAVE A SECOND PUBERTY. AT EXACTLY 17 1/2 YEARS OLD THEY GET CRAZY. THEY LOSE INHIBITIONS AT THIS PHASE.
THEY DO THINGS THEY NEVER WOULD HAVE DONE BEFORE LIKE SHAKING THEIR BODIES AT PASSERBYSTO GET THEM TO GO TO THE SENIOR CLASS
CAR WASH.
THE DOOR PRIZE AT THE RIFLE RAFFLE WAS A TURKEY. I DIDN'T GET THE TURKEY BECAUSE I WASN'T GOING TO BUY A GUN. AND THAT
IS THE PLACE THE WOMAN ASKED ME IF I WAS ANNIE'S OLDER SISTER. I'VE NEVER BEEN IDENTIFIED AS AN OLDER SISTER.
MAYBE THATS WHY ANNIE SHUT ME IN THE CAR DOOR BECAUSE SHE REALIZED IT WAS AN IDENTIFICATION REVERSAL PROCESS. SHE TRIED
TO TURN ME INTO THE LITTLE SISTER BY CHOPPING MY HEAD OFF. MAYBE THATS NOT IT.. MAYBE WE'LL NEVER KNOW. MAYBE SHE JUST WANTED
TO SIT IN THE FRONT. MAYBE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. COULDNT HAVE BEEN; SHE WOULDNT SAY SHE WAS SORRY. BACK TO THE CATS.....
I HAVE AN URGE TO DROP KICK THE CATS OFF STAGES. MAYBE THATS MY SUPPRESSED ANGER AT BEING AN OLDER SISTER AND NOT THE
YOUNGER. WHEN I SQUEEZE THE CATS I THINK OF ANNIE.
I THINK THAT PEOPLE SHOULD NOT TRY TO DECIEVE THE AUTHORITIES OF ROAD SAFETY BY SAYING THAT THEIR CARS ARE SAFE TO DRIVE
ON THE PUBLIC HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS, WHEN THEY REALLY COULD NEVER PASS INSPECTION IF THEY TRIED.
*******************************KEEP YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND AND KEEP YOUR HAIR OUT OF THE DISHWASHER*********************
chris gavazzi lives in lockport, has her own fan club, and practices the rythym method.

ASTORY BY THREE*******************************3*************************************************************************
LISTEN. MARY JUANA DISCOMBOBULATED, RAN A FORKLIFT THROUGH A MASSAGE PARLOR. SHE DIDN'T KNOW THAT THIS WAS THE START OF
THE MOST BIZZARE DAY OF HER LIFE. LIITLE DID SHE KNOW SHE WAS REALLY MISS YVONNE. "PEE WEE" SHE SAID "THIS DOESENT LOOK LIKE
YOUR PLAYHOUSE ? WHY, HI COWBOY CURTIS! COWBOY CURTIS, COWBO.., OH MY GOD!!" IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT THAT MARY REALIZED HER
LIFE AS A GOD DAMMED HIPPIE FREAK WAS OVER.

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