THIS ISSUE 4 SPECIAL VATICAN REPORT END OF OCTOBER 89

MOM AND DAD sit in the parlor watching dirty movies of me in the bathtub when I was young. They dont remember the great
SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE, but I do. I WAS THERE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See way back in the old days when there were hippies and not just tie dyes, all the hippest hippies were on the long
trail to San Francisco because thats where all the flowers were hypnotic and the grass grew as high as lucy in the sky with
diamonds. Well the normal residents of San Francisco were a little upset at this new influx of salvation army fashion children
and at first decided to call each and every hippies mother and father and let them know what their children were up to.

But they soon began to realise that this wasn't going to work since after making the first 5000 phone calls they got
pretty much the same response from the fathers and mothers such as "You expect me to care about that no good lousy bum/bumette
after what they did to my beautiful front lawn! Why every sunday while we went to church like the good bigots we were brought
up to be, they would sleep in until 9:30 in the morning invite their friends over and sit on the front lawn preaching about
the new youth culture and smoking all my grass and flowers from the lawn! At first I tried to put up with it, just replanting
the flowers and rationalizing that they were just kids. I even tried to listen in on their conversations to see if they had
any sense in their new ideas for this great country that we stole from the indians. But eveytime I could come close enough to
hear their quiet discussions they would hush up just as if some great big bear was gonna come crashing down on them. I mean I
consider myself to be pretty liberal in my beliefs, but when they start talking about how we should love everybody for who
they are and not by what they wear or what they own, I cant believe my ears! What would happen to the great capitalism that
this country was built on ? What would happen to all that great competition between neighbors to beat out the Joneses and rub
it in their face ? What would happen to not treating women equal? Or fags? I'm talking homo blomo sir. You know the people
who dress up in womens old dresses and fanagle with each others baby makers. Or blacks? These kids talked like it was ok to be
friends with a black man or woman? How disgusting to lower yourself to that unsnobbish level." So many of the parents told the
San Francisco PTA that they didn't care about their kids anyway and the hippie problem was their problem so figure out a way
to fix it yourself !

So the SF PTA called in Jimmy Jones and his Five Rythym Kings to turn on the kids with his form of hawiian gospel music
sung backwards, but none of them hippies were into it because Jimmy Jones ate meat and it was a really uncool thing to eat
meat because like then you would be known as a meat eater and man that was a real heavy bummer. But "Music was the answer"
said the SF PTA and they tried the
BRADY BRUNCH, THE JACKSON FIVE, THE PURPLE PEOPLE EATERS (who were a small success in areas
around large turnip factories), and HARRY FELINNI (who wrecked the whole music scene when it was found out that they were
singing to back up tapes of CAPTAIN AND TENILLE played at a lower than normal speed and could be compared to wet spagehtti on
a record).

While the SF PTA wasn't having too good a time stamping out the revolution, the rocky San Francisco soil was not good
for growing many of the crops that the vegatarian clans had acquired a taste for; like grass, beans, and more grass. So on any
clear day flying over the city of San Francisco you could see large clouds of grass smoke and eruptions of bean farts rising
over the city. So the ever concerned hippies discovered a way to smuggle large amounts of fertilizer into the city through a
complex maze of under ground tunnels.

The tunnels would radiate in a starburst pattern from the center of the city and would reach out as far as Los Angeles
and Seattle, Washington. This is the reason why San Francisco has above surface cable cars and lots of hills from bean farts
instead of a subway system. So a delagation of about 50 hippies was sent out in each direction, one to Los Angeles and one to
Seattle Washington to begin digging towards the city. Well since the only technological innovations that the hippies utilized
was the wok and the compact disk player, digging through the tunnels was slow at first until a brilliant hippy named Haze
discovered that he could make a bigger hole in the rock by aiming a bean fart at the wall, than by digging with a wooden
spoon. The only trouble with that was that many hippies died from the smell in the tunnels much like the smell in the New York
City Subways. So many new hippies had to be brought in by Volkeswagon bus to the excavation site.

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