ÒItÕs a great time to be aliveÓ he said, pointing to the new modem attached to his seeing eye dogÕs harness. ÒWith that new wireless hookup, he knows exactly where the next big IPOÕs gonna hit. Yep, used to have to raid the dumpsters late at night in the parking lots of venture capitalists, to find out what the real buzz on the street was.Ó

Turning back to his Big Mac, he pulled off the remaining wilted pickles, each one perfectly the same size as the one next to it, and tossed them on the floor. My eyes followed their descent to the caked floor tiles, and on their way back up to pedestrian level, focused on a middle aged woman speaking loudly to a girl half her age.

ÒIÕm sick to death of this lifeÓ she moaned, holding her head in her hands, a cigarette barely missing her curly mess of hair. ÒEvery few years I move to a different part of the country to avoid the crazies that find me through the phone book, and every move gets more and more difficult. Last time I rented my own moving van, which turned out to be stolen from New Jersey, and the state police confiscated all my properties for over 3 weeks. I tell you, using scottowels for toilet paper can put a whole new spin on your outlook on life.Ó

And so it went until 3 teenage heavy hipped girls, wearing enormously exagerated oversize bellbottoms, the kind that sag lower then the unemployment percentage during christmas season, walked into the dining section, their pouchy bellies lazily occupying the space below their flabby sagging breasts. One of them, the girl who kept smacking her gum as she chewed, no doubt disgracing the most graceless cows anywhere,

pushed the tinfoil ashtray off the table onto the floor, and sat (or just kind of fell) into the chair, bouncing the entire bolted-down furniture arangement for a brief second. It was then that I decided to leave, and promptly begin a new issue of This Megazine.

This time I had the power of experience on my side. By now, you might think that experience had been conquered, trademarked and branded by some corporate clothing company, trying to capture the minds of the un-experienced youth, seducing them into believing they can get experience like they can buy a new pair of jeans. But no, experience still remained a free concept, a due diligence process that tooks years to complete, but always on schedule. And after itÕs done, you only wish you cold go back and have a second chance to do it all over again. But somehow you know you would never take the same path, and avoid all the sticky bubble gum patches, instead always being distracted by something that failed to catch your eye the first time through. But such is life, and we measure life in terms of birthdays, counting as we accumulate the candles and lose the exuberance and breath to blow them out. Good thing birthdays only come once a year, but then again, itÕs another reason for corporate america to sell more product to an unsaitable consumer base. ItÕs also a good time to take a long hot bath, and reflect on where youÕve been and how you got where you are now. ThatÕs why weÕre printing this issue in laminated plastic protected pages, to prevent the smudging and wrinkling while you enjoy your bath. Well, donÕt read too fast, in case you miss something important that you thought didnÕt mean anything but now has influence, and when youÕre done, pull the plug and clean the ring out for the next person in the tub.

Hey tard breath, look for "Editor's THIS Favs" from previous classic THIS issues!

THIS is published by WAZ without the permission of his parents as an alternative to the crap on TV. I need you to send your weird but wonderful stories to me so I can print em and send it to everyone as a way of keeping in touch with each other. Send stuff to 112 ROBIN LANE WEST SENECA NY 14224and send money so I can support my habit ($1)THIS is done whenever i have time so it's always a suprise when you get it. PASS IT ON ONION EYES. P.S. THIS IS DEDICATED TO( fill in the linus )


 

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